Thursday, June 17, 2010

I'm that baby

Dear Stevie,
I've become obsessed with "happy endings." I scour the internet all day long, searching for stories of women who have lost babies and then gone on to have other (living) children. These children are commonly referred to as "rainbow babies." The first time I saw the term in someone's signature on the online pregnancy forum I belonged to when I was pregnant with you ("expecting our rainbow baby in August!"), I assumed a "rainbow baby" was either A) a baby that belonged to parents who didn't want to know the gender ahead of time (you know, like it could be either pink or blue or any other color of the rainbow for all they cared!), or B) a baby that belonged to a gay or lesbian couple. The term "rainbow baby" makes perfect sense to me now. A baby that comes after loss is a rainbow after the storm. A ray of light shining through the darkness. Joy after sorrow. Hope after despair. I seek out stories of pregnancy after loss because I need to know that "happy endings" do actually happen, that these so-called "rainbow babies" do exist.

Then a thought occurred to me: I am living proof that they do. I don't need the internet or a bunch of books to prove that to me. I am someone's very own "happy ending." That future baby that I think about all the time and hope so badly for? That baby and I are one in the same.

I was born about a year and a half after my mom and dad (your grandparents) lost their first baby, a little girl, just like you. My parents didn't talk about this baby much when I was growing up (it was even more taboo to talk about stillbirth 25 years ago than it is now), but I always knew I had an older sister that lived up in Heaven. In a way, you were even named after her. You see, after their first baby died, my parents wanted another little girl so bad. When I was born, they gave me the middle name Joy because they were just so overjoyed to finally have a baby girl in their loving arms (and such an awesome, albeit fairly chunky baby girl at that!). I always knew that if I ever had a daughter, I would give her the middle name Joy as a small way to remember the sister I never knew. That daughter was you, Stevie Joy. :)

I am not going to divulge much about our future plans for getting pregnant again here. My real-life friends and family read this blog and frankly, I don't want them all knowing the second we start "trying to conceive," in case it takes a long time. I also don't feel like fending off more unsolicited advice in that area (Andy and I will decide when we're ready, without the help of anyone else, thank you very much! And yes, I know that having another baby will not replace Stevie, I'm not trying to replace her!)

But I will say this: I want my rainbow baby. Bad.

My "mother switch" has been turned to "on" and I need a living baby to be a mommy to. A baby that I can hold in my arms, and sing to, and tickle, and watch grow up. A baby I get to keep.

Sometimes that baby seems so far away and out of reach. I guess I just need to keep looking in the mirror and know that its possible.

Even when (see, trying to stay positive here!) I get my rainbow baby someday, I will always miss you, Stevie. You will always be my first child and I promise you your future brothers and sisters will know all about you and how much we love you. You will always be a part of our family, always and forever.

All my love,
Mom

17 comments:

Julie said...

wow, kristin, thank you for posting this. i, too, am constantly looking for happy endings, for hope that we will get our rainbow. i am in tears here. i NEED to be a mother! hope your week is getting better.

poodlemama said...

You will get your rainbow baby. Mine is 26 now.

Lucid Anne said...

To our rainbows.... :toasts you: : ) <3

Curls O Fred said...

Crazy that we had similar posts about happy endings today! Much love to you my dear. ((hugs))

Amanda said...

I don't know what to say except for GOOD FREAKING LUCK when you do decide. So many of us are holding our breath with you through this whole thing, just waiting to see what happens. I guess I just want to say I hope it all works out, no matter what, or when or HOW. Just get it done ;)

Melissa said...

"My "mother switch" has been turned to "on" and I need a living baby to be a mommy to. A baby that I can hold in my arms, and sing to, and tickle, and watch grow up. A baby I get to keep."

OMG, this is so incredibly true. I still feel this way a year later. I am a mommy now, no takebacks. I feel stuck in a nowhere without a baby.

Hannah Rose said...

I am at a loss for words...this post has really touched me. I read it to my mom, sister and brother. And we are all tearing up. I pray that you get your rainbow baby soon. what a beautiful post! I've felt so many of the same things before.

Jennie said...

<3 it! As for a happy ending: a coworker of mine had the same thing happen to her when she was pregnant with her first...almost to a T. About 26 weeks along and She had blood clot issues with the cord, also a baby girl. She had to get a shot each day with her next 2 pregnancies to be sure it didnt happen again. Everything went well with both those pregnancies. And although she says she still thinks of her little girl everyday, it helps her treasure her other two kids even more. She is one of the bravest, positive, shining stars I have ever met. I think at this point, Id have to put you in that category. Good luck with whatever the future holds for you and your husband.

Tony and Paulene said...

Best of luck with everything in your future!!

Colleen said...

i believe you will get your rainbow baby too!

Maggie said...

Oh wow! What a sweet post. I'm hoping you get your rainbow baby someday too. I think we all deserve one big happy ending. XO

Holly said...

Once that mommy switch is turned on you can't turn it off. Wishing you the best for when you do decide.

Mrs. Mother said...

My rainbow turned seven months old. I never believed I would get mine, but she is here. Happy endings do happen. Don't ever give up on that.

April said...

I remember the yearning for another baby so well. I was so desperate to fill my arms again. Being a mother without a child is like a sky without a sun. It will happen for you. When you are ready, it will happen. You won't replace Stevie and you know that but a rainbow baby truely does bring so much healing. A hell of a lot of anxiety and fear, but happiness and healing as well. You know I lost my first son, and I've gone on to have 2 healthy children after him. I got my happy ending, and losing Chris made me a better mother to my 2 rainbows. You will get your happy ending.

klarefamily said...

Hi kristin. I heart this blog entry! I never realized that this baby I am carrying is my own rainbow baby! After losing Hope and Grace, the days that followed were terrible because I longed to explode the love I had built up for them on my babies, and when they weren't there to do that it was just all bottled up.
Chris and I decided to try to conceive as soon as we got the ok, not to replace our little darlings but to let that love out!
You too are meant to let that love you had for Stevie out and love your next little one just as much.
I will keep you in my prayers that you are finding the peace you need and God blesses you with a rainbow of your own very soon! God Bless.
Luci

Freida said...

Hi, I found your blog on Baby Center and it has touched me. My daughter lost her baby Jeremy last July 14 due to a blood clotting disorder that we didn't know she had until the baby was still born at 27 weeks. Like you, the pregnancy had been fine until then. I just wanted to let you know that on June 8, 2010, she gave birth to a beautiful daughter, Kaitlyn. She doesn't replace the baby she lost, but Kaitlyn is such a blessing and she looks so much like her big brother did. We lived through the incredible sadness. My daughter took daily injections of Lovenox to help with the blood clotting issue and her second pregnancy went very well, though we worried every day. I hope all turns out well for you and your husband. Your blog is beautifully written and I just wanted to let you know that there is hope and you will get through these dark days.

Jersa said...

You loved rainbows in HS. This makes me think of your rainbow shoe laces and rainbow sculpture representing you from art class.

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