I've been thinking a lot about God and Heaven and prayer and all those "big questions" lately. Experiencing death, especially the death or your child, will do that to you I guess. I've especially been struggling with prayer. The other day, my mom said, "I pray for you everyday." And then it hit me. "You do realize that you're praying to the same God that you asked to keep Stevie safe everyday, you know," I replied, with more than a little sarcasm and bitterness in my voice. "I do know that," she said.
I have to be honest: I just don't get the point of prayer. I have always struggled with prayer, mainly because I've never really felt any connection to God when I'm doing it, and I always feel like I'm just talking to myself. Praying is not something I'm good at, or particularly enjoy, but I did it, every night before I went to sleep, when I was pregnant with you. Every night, I would lay in bed, close my eyes, and ask God to please keep you safe. I would say, "please God, let my baby keep growing. Let me be a good mom and help Andy to be a good dad." I would say, "thank you for giving us Stevie. We love her so much already." And then, as we all know, you died. My prayers were not answered.
So why pray now? Did God not somehow not hear me when I prayed for you? Did he hear my prayers, but just choose not to do what I asked of him? And if that's the case, why should I think he'll choose differently now? I mean, really, what's the purpose of prayer, if not to get what you want? And if God already has a big "plan" for my life, and has his mind made up about what's going to happen to all of us, what's the point in asking him for any of the things we want at all? I honestly would like to understand.
What I think is really getting to me, is the unfairness of it all, again. With the way prayer has always been explained to me at least, it seems like some people's prayers are answered, and some aren't. And that really bothers me. The concept of a God who picks and chooses whose prayers to listen to, whose wishes to "grant," seems so unfair to me. A God who sometimes steps in and miraculously heals people, and sometimes decides to let others die while they desperately pray, seems so unjust. If he has ever stepped in and miraculously saved another person's unborn baby, even once, and didn't save you, then that honestly makes me mad. It bothers me when people say things like, "I prayed and prayed and God blessed me with this baby." Because I prayed and prayed and I was not blessed with a living child. I can't stand when I hear, "we prayed and prayed and God healed me." Because I saw a friend of mine from church, who had thousands of people around the world praying to God for a miracle, die of bone cancer when she was 17.
It's easier and makes more sense for me to believe that God created the world, set the laws of nature into motion, and never steps in when those laws cause heartache for people.
But then, what's the point of praying to that God?
Dear readers/lurkers (I know you're out there!), I would love your thoughts on the prayer question. Honestly. This isn't one of those "I'm asking for your opinion but I already have my mind made up on the matter" kinds of things. I am open to understanding. I want to understand.
So, If you pray, why do you do it?
Do you believe God has the power to step in and make miracles happen? If so, why does he only step in sometimes, for some people?
Do you believe God has an ultimate "plan" for everyone's life? If so, does he ever change his mind if we pray for a different outcome than the one that he originally planned?
If God gets "credit" for all the good things in your life, do you think he's also responsible for all the bad things?
What is the meaning of life? Totally kidding. :)
I know I won't ever have all the answers to my questions. I know there are some things I will never understand. But if that's the case, I hate that my brain was wired with such a strong desire to have things make sense. It's really hard for me to take anything on faith. It's really hard for me to admit there are things I can't understand.
Sorry for all the big questions today, Baby. Everyday I wake up and just want to know why this had to happen. I want to know why God didn't keep you safe like I begged him to. It hurts me to my core that it feels like he ignored me. Like always, it all comes down to being sad. I miss you so much, little girl.
All my love,
2 hours ago