Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Unfair

Dear Stevie,
Yesterday afternoon I went out to lunch with Grandma (my mom). She was asking me how I was feeling and I said, "I know I sound like a broken record, but I just can't get over how unfair this all is. It makes me so mad." My mom said something along the lines of, "Kristin, you have always really struggled with injustice. Ever since you were a little kid, you have always wanted things to be fair, so it makes sense that that aspect of the situation is so hard for you now."

She's right. I hate injustice, unfairness. I have always been a very logical person and it bothers me to no end when things don't make sense. When things don't add up, I want to fix them and make it right. I guess you could call me somewhat of a "bleeding heart." I work for a non-profit where I feel like I really can help "fix" some of the injustice in the world. I like to watch shows and movies where the bad guys get what's coming to them and the good guys prevail. It makes my blood boil when I see bad things happen to good people.

I can remember many years ago, when I was in elementary school, there was a nice couple from my church that were struggling to have a baby. They kept having miscarriage after miscarriage until finally, they got pregnant and made it past the first trimester (I didn't know it then, but I am pretty sure they were doing IVF the whole time). Then, the baby died. I think they were around five or six months pregnant when it happened. They had a small memorial service at their house which my Dad presided over (he was their pastor) and my mom and I attended. I have this vivid memory of looking at the baby's tiny footprints that they had laying out during the service. I remember being so mad that day. It's actually the first time I remember being angry at God. I cried that night to my mom and just kept saying, "it's just not fair! They wanted a baby so much. It's not fair!"

I was so mad for this couple then, and now, I am so mad for myself.

It's just not fair. It's not fair that other women smoke or drink or don't even know they're even pregnant until they are in freaking labor (a friend on facebook posted a link to one of these stories just this morning!) get to keep their babies, and I did everything right my entire pregnancy and you died. It's not fair that my mom already lost her first daughter, and now she has to lose her first granddaughter too. It's not fair that there are all sorts of women who are going to be terrible mothers (sorry, but let's be honest, we all know a few of these people) that get to keep their babies, and my precious baby died. I feel like I'm a pretty "good" person. I feel like I deserved to keep you.

Is it just me, or does it seem like it's always "good" people that have their babies die? I have been absolutely blown away by the number of amazingly kind, compassionate, selfless women I have met during the the last six weeks who have also experienced the death of a child. Do we just not hear about the not-so-good people that this happens to or what? I know no one, not even the baddest of the "bad people" deserve this, but it seems like this is something that happens to way more good people than should be allowed by the laws of the universe or whatever. It is just not right.

I hate that there is nothing I can do to "right" the injustice that has happened to me, and to so many like me. There's nothing I can do but try not to let the unfairness of losing you consume me, I guess.

I wish you were here, Baby. I wish the only unfairness I was complaining about is how unfair it is that I have to get up with you 10 times a night while Dad gets to sleep. :) I miss you so much, sweet girl.

Love,
Mom

PS. One of these amazing, "good" women I mentioned, Julie, just started a blog (which I was so hoping she would!) for her son , Kenny, who was stillborn at 25 weeks around the time Stevie died. Please check it out and show her some love! :) Xo

20 comments:

Andrea said...

You are right...it's just not fair. I posted this week about feeling robbed and violated of my innocence. Nothing is the same following loss.

Unfair is sitting at my appointment today...next to a knocked up 16 year old brat who told the nurse she wished contractions would "just start". She looked to be around 20+ weeks and I thought "you are so sure of yourself aren't you?" It angered me and her poor attitude plain ticked me off! She even stormed out of the clinic, as she was aparently upset with her parents when they emerged from the exam room. I pray for that child and secretly I pray she is giving this baby up for adoption, as it was clear she is not ready to be anyone's mother, she's much too immmature.

Sorry for the rant...

HUGS and love as you journey on.

Mrs. Mother said...

Big hugs. It's not fair. I had so much trouble with that after we lost Jenna. I'm a bleeding heart, too, almost too much so at times. When we lost Jenna, I was working as the Lifestyles Editor at a newspaper, and I had to do birth announcements. Every day, mothers came in with dirty babies, smelling of cigarette smoke, wanting their birth announcement ran in the paper. I lost it a few times.

Big hugs to you. It does get better, but it's not ever gone. It's been almost two years, and I broke down last night over a television show.

Emily said...

When I was born I was quickly diagnosed with a heart condition. It's a pretty rare one, and it definately falls into the category of 'life threatening'. My parents said that they too asked themselves "why us? Why our daughter?". And, my great uncle, who was always a very practical and rational man, said "why not you?" He didn't say it to be cruel or mean...he was honestly curious as to why they thought that they should somehow be exempt. None of us is exempt from tradgic things happening to us. But, if you look at it on the flip side, none of us is exempt from having good things happen to us too. So yes, it is MONTEROUSLY unfair that Stevie and Aidan and all the other little babies died...but it happens...and sadly it happened to us.

Franchesca said...

huge (((HUGS))) Kristin. I wish none of us knew this injustice. None of it makes sense. I am blown away too at how this happens to people who WANT their babies. Jenna was wanted. Desperately wanted. Thinking of you and your precious Stevie. XO

Emily said...

Also, I freakin hate how I can't edit my own comments here. I spell things wrong and then catch it when I read it back to myself...darn it! So, just in case you missed it Monterously should have an "S" between the N and the T.

Julie said...

i echo everyone's comments here. "it's so unfair" has been running through my head almost constantly over the last couple weeks - more so than in the first few weeks, although i'm not sure why that is. it's just maddening because there's no sense to be made of it.

and kristin, thank you so much for linking to my blog - i cried when i saw that!

Melissa said...

“I used to think it was awful that life was so unfair. Then I thought, wouldn’t it be much worse if life were fair, and all the terrible things that happen to us come because we actually deserve them? So, now I take great comfort in the general hostility and unfairness of the universe.”

Kelley and Chris said...

You are definitely right. It's not fair. Every woman I have met throughout this whole process is so nice and...good. It's just not fair. I have struggled with why other women, (who aren't so 'good') have healthy children, one right after the other. That is not to say that I would wish this on anyone else. I wouldn't. One thing I do have now though is more compassion for those people struggling to have a child. I want to hug them. Tell them it's going to be okay. But, I don't really know if it's going to be okay. Hopefully someday I will. Thinking of you Kristin. xoxo

Maggie said...

The unfairness of this all is what gets me the most. I HATE it. I hate that good people who wanted their babies for so long had to have them taken away so quickly. It's not fair. I struggle with this every single day. Thinking of you Kristin. None of this will EVER be fair. :(

Kristin said...

Melissa, thanks for sharing that quote. I never thought about things like that before.

Annie said...

Thanks for stopping by my blog. I notice we actually live in the same area, so howdy neighbor.

I'm so sorry you lost your precious Stevie. Cord problems are such a cruel way to lose a perfect baby. I'll be following your blog and hoping the best for you.

Kenzie said...

OK... I have read your blog a little, and I know i am only fifteen so 'what do i know about this' BUT let me try to say this so it doesn't come out wrong. I guess in a way i was a rainbow baby. Sure my mom had already had my two older sisters, but then she got pregnant again, and ended up losing it. My parents had told EVERYONE about the baby and then they had to go and tell EVERYONE later that he/she died. Anyways, not too much later my mom ended up finding out she was pregnant, with me. Now if that baby had lived, I never would have been born. So here is something to think about. If/when you try to have another baby you will then know that he/she is a VERY special baby for the fact that you probably wouldn't of ever had he/she if Stevie were born. I know its kind of a hard thing to think about because I don't even know how to think about it exactly. Its not like I am happy that the baby died before me. But I guess I should say blessed. Blessed to be here when another little angel could of.

I hope this helps a little and that I didn't upset you because that's not what I want. I understand what you mean by you are tired of the same old same old sentences. Last year with the thing with my dad I got a lot of the same sentences like, "How are you?" And what I always wanted to say was, "Well if your father just got up and left you and you didn't know where and if he was OK, only later to find that he tried to kill himself, HOW WOULD YOU FEEL!!!!!?" But I never did. It was always, "OK."

Anyways, I hope you the best of wishes(sorry that's all I could think of to say).

Michele said...

How I wish life was fair... How we all had never met because our children were alive and happy and there was no need for this grief community. If only... If...

Sending loving thoughts...

Hannah Rose said...

Girl, I am the exact same way...I say things like "but, that isn't fair!" and my dad laughs like I'm living in a dream world. I didn't even think about that your mom lost her first daughter and granddaughter...how devastating! I'm praying for you and your family!! <3

thishumanscondition said...

It's not fair and it sucks. I have become one of those women who will judge pregnant moms about caring if they're having a boy or a girl. Just 2 months ago I was praying that I was having a girl. I was such a fool.

April said...

This is something we all struggle with, and I'll be honest, it NEVER goes away. There is never a good enough reason as to why our babies were taken from us. And over the years, you see loses and it brings up those feelings again. Everytime I meet someone like you who has just recently lost their baby, it makes me angry all over again. I know what you are feeling and it makes me angry at the world that you are going through this. I don't "know" you, but I feel angry for you. ((Hugs))

Krystal said...

So sorry to hear about your pain, it truly is unfair. I hate how unfair everything is too and sorry to see your suffering.

Krystal - ICLW # 92
http://krysttc.blogspot.com/

pearlmusic said...

So our situations are different because I knew ahead of time that we would lose our sweet Sam and for you your loss was so sudden, but I wanted to share a thought I found comfort in. I'm hoping it might translate to your different situation, but if it doesn't, here's me wishing you peace today. It does feel so painfully unfair.

I thought about what it might be like if Sam had been given to someone else, knowing that his life would have most likely been cut short by a termination, and I felt so grateful that he'd been given to us to love. I felt like God had entrusted a very special person to me and my husband to love for as long as he was on earth. I think the same is probably true about your love for Stevie. You were/are perfectly suited to love her, even through your excruciating pain. If she had been given to anyone else, would they have carried her as beautifully? Would they have grieved her as fully? Would they maybe have tried to pretend like she never happened? Would they have been as proud of her? Even how you are choosing to walk through this sadness, in your letters to her, in your tears, you are telling Stevie's story. You are telling how worth loving she is. You keep being sad/angry/confused as that's a normal part of carrying such a special person and losing her prematurely. You are still such a good mama. -megan

lisluc said...

I have been dealing with some of these same thoughts...I am currently pregs 26 weeks with my Sammy who was found to have anencephaly, he's growing great in the womb but won't sustain life for more than a few hours after he's born.

I've had some serious "why" days. It's about the unfairness, but also the fact that I would have done anything if I had known what to do to change this. I'm a rule follower, I like order and sequence. These random bad things that happen to good people hurt my feelings. I can even rationalize - of course I don't deserve exemptions from hard stuff anymore than the next person but SERIOUSLY? I couldn't know more about conception and pregnancy, what to avoid or what to eat lots of...I did everything right. Doesn't matter. I have to continue believing that children are a gift - our children, Stevie and Sammy, are gifts. Not what we were expecting but gifts nonetheless.

Your blog is wonderful - I read it and weep because I feel many of the same things and can only imagine what is to come. In the mean time, I try to super enjoy the kicks and rolls I feel and show Sammy a good time.

Melissa L
(Lisa R's sis in law - or basically, get married already John and Lisa. We found out our news the same week Stevie was born.)

foxy said...

Kristen - You are a great writer. I'm not sure how I found your blog, but am so glad that I did. I totally relate to this post and the desire for things to be fair and just. So little in life turns out that way, it seems.

I hope that you keep writing, and that your 'old self' finds a way to integrate with the "new" you. These experiences of pain and loss change who we are, forever.

Take care,
Foxy

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