Yesterday afternoon I went out to lunch with Grandma (my mom). She was asking me how I was feeling and I said, "I know I sound like a broken record, but I just can't get over how unfair this all is. It makes me so mad." My mom said something along the lines of, "Kristin, you have always really struggled with injustice. Ever since you were a little kid, you have always wanted things to be fair, so it makes sense that that aspect of the situation is so hard for you now."
She's right. I hate injustice, unfairness. I have always been a very logical person and it bothers me to no end when things don't make sense. When things don't add up, I want to fix them and make it right. I guess you could call me somewhat of a "bleeding heart." I work for a non-profit where I feel like I really can help "fix" some of the injustice in the world. I like to watch shows and movies where the bad guys get what's coming to them and the good guys prevail. It makes my blood boil when I see bad things happen to good people.
I can remember many years ago, when I was in elementary school, there was a nice couple from my church that were struggling to have a baby. They kept having miscarriage after miscarriage until finally, they got pregnant and made it past the first trimester (I didn't know it then, but I am pretty sure they were doing IVF the whole time). Then, the baby died. I think they were around five or six months pregnant when it happened. They had a small memorial service at their house which my Dad presided over (he was their pastor) and my mom and I attended. I have this vivid memory of looking at the baby's tiny footprints that they had laying out during the service. I remember being so mad that day. It's actually the first time I remember being angry at God. I cried that night to my mom and just kept saying, "it's just not fair! They wanted a baby so much. It's not fair!"
I was so mad for this couple then, and now, I am so mad for myself.
It's just not fair. It's not fair that other women smoke or drink or don't even know they're even pregnant until they are in freaking labor (a friend on facebook posted a link to one of these stories just this morning!) get to keep their babies, and I did everything right my entire pregnancy and you died. It's not fair that my mom already lost her first daughter, and now she has to lose her first granddaughter too. It's not fair that there are all sorts of women who are going to be terrible mothers (sorry, but let's be honest, we all know a few of these people) that get to keep their babies, and my precious baby died. I feel like I'm a pretty "good" person. I feel like I deserved to keep you.
Is it just me, or does it seem like it's always "good" people that have their babies die? I have been absolutely blown away by the number of amazingly kind, compassionate, selfless women I have met during the the last six weeks who have also experienced the death of a child. Do we just not hear about the not-so-good people that this happens to or what? I know no one, not even the baddest of the "bad people" deserve this, but it seems like this is something that happens to way more good people than should be allowed by the laws of the universe or whatever. It is just not right.
I hate that there is nothing I can do to "right" the injustice that has happened to me, and to so many like me. There's nothing I can do but try not to let the unfairness of losing you consume me, I guess.
I wish you were here, Baby. I wish the only unfairness I was complaining about is how unfair it is that I have to get up with you 10 times a night while Dad gets to sleep. :) I miss you so much, sweet girl.
PS. One of these amazing, "good" women I mentioned, Julie, just started a blog (which I was so hoping she would!) for her son , Kenny, who was stillborn at 25 weeks around the time Stevie died. Please check it out and show her some love! :) Xo
3 hours ago