Friday, June 18, 2010

From Rachel

Dear Stevie,
Today is just one of those days. Actually, this whole week has been one of "those days." I'm feeling especially down. I just don't have it in me to write to you today. I have no words. If I tried, it would look something like, "I'm sad. I miss you. I love you. I wish you were here. I hate that you died. Love always, Mom," and who wants to read that?

So I'm not even going to try. Instead, here is a letter from your Auntie Rachel, my Sister-in-Law, who also happens to be one of my good friends and roommates from college (we married brothers!) And an old picture of us (circa 2004ish) from college, just for fun:

Rachel is the blond on the floor, I am the one in the middle with the crazy face and sweeeet bangs, and that's another one of my best friends, Marissa up top. We were so cool.

And a slightly more recent (think 2007), just as awkward picture of us and our boys (before any of us were married to those boys):

Andy and his two (twin) brothers, Bill and Ben, with me (in the pink) and Auntie Rachel (in the black) and Auntie Jaime (in the white)

Dearest Stevie-

We never had the opportunity to meet, but I am your Auntie Rachel. I have seen your beautiful face in pictures and you have both touched and broken my heart. I find it so unfair that your life was cut so short, that your mom and dad have to go through so much pain in a time that should be so joyful. It really sucks. They were so excited for you to come! I have never seen your mother so happy. She lit up when she talked about all the things she was doing to prepare for you. She had your nursery planned, clothing bought and a cute little bear hat picked out just for you. You are the first Cook grand baby, and your parents first little “cub” and you will never be forgotten.

I was so looking forward to you coming into this world, so that I could spoil you like all aunties should. I even had fabric picked out to make your first quilt. It was so soft and had bears all over it. I know you would've loved it. It would have kept you warm on those cold Minnesota nights, something to cuddle with as your dad and mom read to you at night, and maybe even turned into your blankie that you would drag all over the place as a toddler. It is not fair that you do not get the chance to grow up and live. It is things like this in the world that really make me question my faith and why things have to be the way they are. I know that God has a greater plan, but to me not having you doesn't seem that great.

I am a nurse, a person who likes to fix things, and make bad things better. I am supposed to know how to deal with death, and know the words to say to the family that is left behind. But somehow I find myself at a loss. It is so much harder when you were to be my niece! I don't have the words to say to you or to your mom and dad to make it better. I simply can't. I can just be there for your mom and dad. Your short life has made me realize that I don't have to have the right things to say, I just have to be available to listen.

I will remember you always,
Love your Auntie Rachel


Maggie said...

Oh Kristin, this post made me cry! Stevie is so lucky to have such a loving, caring Auntie Rachel. :) What a lovely letter to her and great pictures! I think it made me cry mostly because Alexandra's "Aunt" (my SIL) would never take the time to write such a heartfelt letter to her. And I really wish she would do something other than piss me off! I'm glad Stevie and you have that. That's really special. XO

Antoinette said...

This letter is beautiful...and it is so sad at the same time =*(
I wish Stevie got to make her appearance and get spoiled just like she deserved. I am also sorry that you are having one of those "weeks" sucks!!! there is not a fancy word...just sucks!!! I love how you speak through your words sometimes....there is a blog from Rachel you can see the button on my blog for Marvelous Mondays...she also started "wordless Wednesdays" where she JUST puts a picture words...and you can get the whole thing...I do not participate in that one since Im really not good with pictures like you....but I think you would like it...I do Marvelous Mondays and its a day in the week when you HAVE to think of something to be grateful for...try and do that...If I had to pick something for you I would be grateful that you have such a love for Trees ever since Stevie and that you have brought so much smiles to moms because of carving their babies name into them (even me) when we find it hard to smile....I agree with Maggie, Stevie has a very loving and caring Aunt and it is really special that she took the time to write this for Stevie...xoxoxo

Violet1122 said...

Awww, this is such a sweet letter from Auntie! It's so great you have family who are so supportive and who love Stevie.

I'm so sorry this week has been such as bad one for you. I think of you so often, especially when I pass by beautiful trees as I take my evening walks.

I don't think there is an answer to the questions "why did this happen?" But I do know our stories aren't over yet. Sending you prayers and peace!

eiks said...

I love Rach. But she made me cry ;)

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