This whole grief thing? Yeah, it really sucks. I'll think I'm getting "better" and then BAM! I'm a total mess again, out of nowhere. This has been a really bad week and I'm not even sure why. I feel like I've taken a big step backwards. Like I'm right where I was a month ago, when the pain of losing you was so fresh and so raw. This was supposed to be the best summer of my life and just look at it now. Summer 2010, please just hurry up and go away. I know I've been begging you to get here since December, but I don't want you anymore. You're nothing but a painful reminder of what should have been. I'm so over you.
I've been trying so hard to stay strong, to not let what happened to you turn me into a sad and bitter person, but today it feels like I'm failing. Some days I can honestly say I do feel oddly "at peace" with your death. Then there are days like today where I am so angry about it I feel like breaking things. I feel like laying on the ground like a little kid and throwing the biggest tantrum ever. I want to scream out, "this is so not fair!" over and over and over again. I see pregnant ladies or moms with newborns and I think, "why them and not me?" It's not that I am not happy for them, but I am so sad for me.
When we were watching Law and Order the other night, one of the main detective's pregnant wife got into a car accident and it turned into this dramatic episode where they had to get her out of the crushed car and save the baby. They ended up having to deliver the baby in the ambulance on the way to hospital and of course, the baby was fine. Everyone was happy, blah blah blah. I was like, first of all, Law and Order, you are supposed to be about rape and murder, how dare you do an episode about delivering a baby without some kind of warning. You know, "the following program contains adult content not suitable for children. Oh yeah, and a baby is born." As I watched this show, I kept thinking (and actually said outloud to Dad), "I had no problems, no crazy accidents during my pregnancy and this lady has to be cut out of her wretched car by the jaws of life and her baby is fine." Is it messed up that I think this way?
And don't even get me started on all the celebrity pregnancy announcements. I swear, every time we go to the grocery store, there's a new celebrity on the cover of "People" or "US Weekly" who is expecting. What gets me is that the headline is always something like, "So and so is having a baby!" I want to correct them. "No, so and so is pregnant. Having a live baby at the end of it is not a guarantee." But I'm sure they'll get their happy ending and be selling their kid's first pictures to the tabloids in no time. They always do. Celebrity's babies don't die. Their children don't get freak blood clots in their umbilical cords. Nope, that's just something that happens to unbelievably unlucky people like me, right?
I said I didn't want to be a sad, bitter person and look at me today, Baby. I guess when people talk about grief as being like a roller coaster, with up and downs, good days and bad days, they're right. This week I've definitely been racing down a steep drop, the kind that takes your breath away and makes your stomach flip. Here's to hoping an upwards climb is coming up soon.
I promise I'll keep trying to make it through this and emerge a better person at the end. I know that's what you'd want. It's surely what you deserve. I love you so much, sweet little girl.
Not to be rude or anything, but....
4 hours ago