Dear Stevie,
This whole grief thing? Yeah, it really sucks. I'll think I'm getting "better" and then BAM! I'm a total mess again, out of nowhere. This has been a really bad week and I'm not even sure why. I feel like I've taken a big step backwards. Like I'm right where I was a month ago, when the pain of losing you was so fresh and so raw. This was supposed to be the best summer of my life and just look at it now. Summer 2010, please just hurry up and go away. I know I've been begging you to get here since December, but I don't want you anymore. You're nothing but a painful reminder of what should have been. I'm so over you.
I've been trying so hard to stay strong, to not let what happened to you turn me into a sad and bitter person, but today it feels like I'm failing. Some days I can honestly say I do feel oddly "at peace" with your death. Then there are days like today where I am so angry about it I feel like breaking things. I feel like laying on the ground like a little kid and throwing the biggest tantrum ever. I want to scream out, "this is so not fair!" over and over and over again. I see pregnant ladies or moms with newborns and I think, "why them and not me?" It's not that I am not happy for them, but I am so sad for me.
When we were watching Law and Order the other night, one of the main detective's pregnant wife got into a car accident and it turned into this dramatic episode where they had to get her out of the crushed car and save the baby. They ended up having to deliver the baby in the ambulance on the way to hospital and of course, the baby was fine. Everyone was happy, blah blah blah. I was like, first of all, Law and Order, you are supposed to be about rape and murder, how dare you do an episode about delivering a baby without some kind of warning. You know, "the following program contains adult content not suitable for children. Oh yeah, and a baby is born." As I watched this show, I kept thinking (and actually said outloud to Dad), "I had no problems, no crazy accidents during my pregnancy and this lady has to be cut out of her wretched car by the jaws of life and her baby is fine." Is it messed up that I think this way?
And don't even get me started on all the celebrity pregnancy announcements. I swear, every time we go to the grocery store, there's a new celebrity on the cover of "People" or "US Weekly" who is expecting. What gets me is that the headline is always something like, "So and so is having a baby!" I want to correct them. "No, so and so is pregnant. Having a live baby at the end of it is not a guarantee." But I'm sure they'll get their happy ending and be selling their kid's first pictures to the tabloids in no time. They always do. Celebrity's babies don't die. Their children don't get freak blood clots in their umbilical cords. Nope, that's just something that happens to unbelievably unlucky people like me, right?
I said I didn't want to be a sad, bitter person and look at me today, Baby. I guess when people talk about grief as being like a roller coaster, with up and downs, good days and bad days, they're right. This week I've definitely been racing down a steep drop, the kind that takes your breath away and makes your stomach flip. Here's to hoping an upwards climb is coming up soon.
I promise I'll keep trying to make it through this and emerge a better person at the end. I know that's what you'd want. It's surely what you deserve. I love you so much, sweet little girl.
Love,
Mom
Snow Flurries In Utah
5 days ago
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18 comments:
Thinking of you...
Your a good mom and a good friend to all...xoxoxoxoxoxox
I remember that episode. I even posted about it on Babycenter, I saw it like a week before everything went all pear-shaped. (I kind of like that I used a cute phrase just now to describe the biggest horror of my life- its kinda morbid.) I remember cryyyyying my ass off because I was all super ready to have V and hormonal and whatnot. I think if I saw that episode now, I would lose my mind.
Never in my life have I heard and seen so many references to babies and pregnancy as now. Even when I was pregnant. Its like the world is mocking us. I'll have to repost something I wrote in my livejournal a few weeks ago (before blogspot) that happened at a wedding I played at- keep an eye out. <3
I'll be holding you to my heart through this especially tough day today.
I think I could have written this post myself! The ups and downs of grief drive me insane! The minute I start to feel..."normal", something or someone knocks me right down and I feel like it's November all over again. And about the US magazines, ugh! I get that magazine and I barely look at it now. EVERY week it's a new baby or new Mom bragging about her baby. Yeah, nice for her! It's okay to feel sad, angry and bitter. I hope next week is better for you.
I relate to the magazine announcements of celebrity pregnancies and they usually make me sick! Jealous, yes, in a terribly contorted way, as it just seems so "easy" for them. They often aren't married and just "happen to get knocke up" and all goes swimmingly well. Don't get me wrong, I'd wish loss on no one or infertility for that matter, but it just seems so easy for some and SO very difficult for good people who have planned for a child. Ughhh! Sorry for my rant, as I just don't have respect for some of the celebutants!
As for becoming a better person, we all learn so much from this journey. I feel as if I love deeper, am more compassionate, kind and have such understanding for infertiles and baby lost mothers. It's a community I wish for no one to be a part of, but one that I embrace with open arms...as I am sadly one of many.
Hugs and much love as you continue on....
PS it's okay to be angry, bitter and plain pissed off! i've felt them all and then some :)
In addition to the above, as I have re-read my comment. I do want to clarify that I harbor no ill will toward any woman who is pregnant and single, as that takes courage and is difficult. I guess what I was trying to say is that the celeb set just seem so "lucky" and things seem so easy while the rest of us struggle.
SO, here's to some of that "luck" landing on the rest of us :)
There are worse days and there are better days, hon, and the bad days do not make you a bad person.
I remember like. er a day or two after Caleb died, some friends of ours insisted that we had to go do something to keep busy, and took us to see the new Star Trek movie that had just come out.
And of course there's the scene of Kirk being born. Ohhhh my good god, the weeping that ensued. My poor friends felt so bad. At this point, that's the only part of the movie I actually remember.
Praying...and yeah...it does suck.
kristin, i feel like a creepy stalker every time i read your blog, because it's like you're reading my thoughts, and i refrain from always telling you so, because i think you're going to start thinking, "who IS this julie person?" SO many of your posts mirror the way i am feeling at that time, and i can totally relate to the urge to throw myself on the floor and yell and scream about how unfair it all is. and YES, i too, saw celebrity pregnancies on a magazine cover the other day, and had the same thought - just b/c someone's pregnant doesn't mean she's having a baby! but i don't recall EVER hearing about a celebrity's baby being stillborn.
IT'S SO UNFAIR.
Oooh just to comment on this whole celebrity thing. While I was pregnant and having difficulties they had a People magazine issue about Celine Dion's 4 or 5 IVF attempts. She said that she had a miscarriage after the 2nd or 3rd one and I thought "see, I guess bad pregnancy stuff does happen to celebrities sometimes". And then like 2 weeks ago she announces she's 14 weeks pregnant WITH TWINS. Now, being an NICU nurse and a recent babylost mama I thought "Holy shit, I mean I'm sure she's super happy and all...but DO YOU KNOW HOW DANGEROUS TWINS ARE!!! And here you are announcing your pregnancy at 14 weeks! Celine, honey, DO YOU KNOW WHAT COULD GO WRONG!!!" Same when Kelly Preston announced they were 'expecting'. I'm like "Sheesh lady, you're 48...do you KNOW how likely it is your baby has something genetically wrong with him or her?" I wish I wasn't like this...I wish I could just think "oh, how nice for them" and then pat my 31 week pregnant belly. Instead I'm seeing all the dangers ahead of these two 'geriatric' mothers, when in reality I'm sure they will pop out their perfect bundles of joy in a few months (in Celine's case TWO). Makes me sickly jealous.
Oh and the ONLY celebrity that I've ever heard of having a stillbirth was Keanu Reeve's girlfriend. She was like 37 weeks or something like that. Then a few years after this she tradgically died in a car wreck. So sad. It almost made me want to like Keanu's movies more.
This brought me to tears, because it brought back so much. I remember just wanting to break plates, scream and kick something! Grief does suck. Prayers and love-
Magazines stink right now. I hate looking when I'm standing in line just for that reason of all the pregnancy stuff. I also know many people who are pregnant, and one woman I know has a teenage daughter who is pregnant. I just hid to the soon to be grandma on Facebook. I just can't handle it right now.
I too wish this summer...this whole year for that matter was done and over with. I was looking forward to this year and all the firsts, and now I dread every holiday...I want it over.
I'm sorry your having such a bad week! Hugs to you, and I'm thinking about you!
I'm sorry you are feeling so low. I go to sleep at night begging to be let off the roller coaster ride!
I know what you mean about the celebrity pregnancy announcements. Actually, when I see any pregnant woman, or hear that someone is pregnant - I am automatically fearful for them. I worry about all the things that might go wrong for them. I manage to get out a smile and a "congratulations", but I'm secretly so afraid for them. And often jealous too, I admit.
I've learned the road after a loss isn't some gradual incline out of deep depths. It's full of canyons. And we have to walk each and every difficult step. We crash to the bottom over and over again, and somehow have to climb our way out again. Only to confront another canyon another day.
Big Hugs Kristen! I wish there was something I could do to brighten your day a bit. I pray for you and your husband and little Stevie.
Ditto to every word you just said.
Grief does suck. It sucks forever. I still have times where it makes me so angry! Not just angry for my loss, but angry at yours. I get angry for you because it kills me to see someone else going through this. It isn't fair. Don't feel like you are a failure because you are giving into the pain. What you have been through is HUGE. It hurts like hell. It is one of the most wrong things to have to happen to a person. You love your baby girl and it's not fair. You are certainly not a failure.
Ditto to Julie's comment..Everything you write, i want to say "yes! That's how I feel" but I thought you'd think I was crazy.
I feel like my eyes & ears are honing devices for pregnant women & babies.Like I have radar or something, because everywhere I go, everywhere I turn, they're there..Naieve. Happy.
and guess what? I hate that. I don't hate them, but I hate that the naievety and happiness of pregnancy is gone for me. (sorry to all my future babies..mommy will be freaaking the F%*k out until you are delivered ALIVE!)
So far the only celeb I remember hearing anything going wrong was Lily Allen a couple years back..having a miscarriage..I only remember this because I m/c my first pregnancy the same week she did.
Keep those feet working one foot in front of the other. You can get through this...and it's okay to be at peace one minute and in hysterics the next..I think many of us can relate.
Thank you all for your amazing support! :)
Hey hun! I can not relate to everything in this post or even the grief you are going through. But I do relate to the feeling of doing better when BAM not anymore. A miscarriage is a lot different than what you have gone or are going through, but that is the best comparison I have. I remember after I miscarried on Vday 08 it was rough. I would then beginning to feel better and one day I would wake up and not want to get out of bed. Those days did become farther apart as the time went on. But then there are "those" other days that will get to you. You ARE strong and doing amazingly well. It is okay to have days where you hurt. I wish I could tell you those days are over soon but I wont lie. You are one amazingly strong, and just beautiful soul!!! HUGS!!!
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