Mommy needs to go off on a bit of a rant this morning, if that's okay with you. Before I begin, let me say I know I'm a bit extra-sensitive these days (and by "a bit" I mean "extremely"), so don't hold anything I say against me right now.
I'm also fully aware that people have no idea what to say in situations like ours. I certainly wouldn't have had a clue what to say to someone whose baby died before it happened to me. And the fact that people say anything at all is way more important than whether or not they say the "right" thing. I'd love it if everyone were able to jump inside my head, understand exactly how I'm feeling, but unfortunately, that's not possible. So, for everyone who has no clue what to say, here's a list of the phrases I personally would rather not hear, ever again.
- "She's in a better place now." Excuse me, but I think she would have had a pretty great life here with me and her Dad. Yeah, she'll never experience sadness or pain, but she'll also never get to experience the wonderful things in life like running through the sprinkler, licking chocolate chip cookie dough off the beater, or going on bike rides with her Dad. And that makes me really, really sad.
- "I know exactly how you feel..." Unless you've lost a baby then no, you don't. And that's okay. Anyone who's experienced a loss of any kind can definitely relate, but no two situations, no two losses are exactly the same.
- "I don't think I would have the strength to go on if I lost my baby." Yes, you would. Because you have to; there's no other choice. Again, this is probably my crazy over-sensitive side taking over, but this almost insinuates I must not love my baby as much or be as sad as I should be because you would be sadder and more distraught if it happened to you.
- "Everything happens for a reason." I'm sorry, right now I just don't think I'll ever look back and say I'm glad Stevie died. Ever.
- "It was probably for the best, she might have had something wrong with her." First of all, she actually didn't have anything "wrong" with her. She was perfect. But if she did have medical issues or disabilities, we would have loved her just the same. I would prefer to have my baby alive and in my arms either way.
- "At least you're still so young..." Yeah because since I'm only 24 (almost 25!) I'm less sad about my daughter dying? I just don't even understand this one.
- "You'll have other kids." Hopefully this is true, but right now I don't just want a kid, I want my kid. The one that I loved and wanted and died. Even when we have other children someday, they will never be Stevie. I will always miss my firstborn.
- "You're lucky you now have an angel watching over you." Lucky? Seriously? I'm actually feeling like the most unlucky person in the world right now. I don't want an angel, I want my baby. If I'm so lucky, are you hoping your baby turns into an "angel" too? I didn't think so.
- "God has so much to teach you through this experience." Not saying I'm perfect in any way, or that I don't have things to learn, but I can think of plenty of people who could stand to learn a few things in life that get to keep their babies...I would have much preferred to learn my life lessons in a way that didn't involve my child dying.
"I'm sorry." "This sucks." "I love you." "I'm here for you." "I've cried for you." "I'm thinking of you." "I'm praying for you." "I have no words." These are the things that I love to hear over and over again. These are the things that are keeping me afloat right now.
Stevie, I wish so badly you were born healthy and alive in August like you were supposed to be, and I was hearing a million "congrats!" and "let me hold her!" instead any of the above. I miss you so bad today and every day.
All my love,