Monday, June 21, 2010


Dear Stevie,
Dad and I went to see Toy Story 3 the other night. Amazing. Those people at Pixar sure know how to make a good movie. About five minutes into it, I decided that my dream job would be to help write Pixar films (I am fully aware this will never happen, but a girl can dream, right?) Seriously though, everyone should go out and see TS3. It's just brilliant. You will laugh, you will cry (a lot, make sure you bring Kleenex or you will end up having to wipe your tears and snot all over the back of your hands like I did), and I promise you will leave the theater in a much better mood than you went in with. Alright, plug over. But seriously, go see it.

Anyway, in the movie there is a little girl, about three years old, named Bonnie, who ends up being a pretty important character in the film (I don't want to give too much away!) She has a huge imagination and loves playing with all her toys, acting out everything from tea parties to alien invasions. She wears a tutu and rubber rain boots, carries around a little backpack everywhere, and is just the cutest thing ever. She reminded me so much of what I imagine you would have been like as a three-year-old.

Speaking of tutus, here is your mom as a three-year-old. Would you have looked kind of like this?

I've never been too into babies. To be completely honest, newborns really scare me. They are so fragile and floppy and whenever I hold one, I'm always terrified I'm going to break it. Plus, all they ever really do is sleep and cry (and poop). I mean really, how fun is that? I've never been a baby-person, but I love pre-schoolers. I adore them. I think age three is the funnest age ever, the age when a kids' personality really come shining through. When I think of you (which is pretty much all the time!), I usually imagine you as a three-year-old. I definitely grieve the loss of newborn Stevie, but I especially grieve the death of "Future-Stevie."

I mourn that I will never know this little girl, "Future-Stevie." Is she stubborn and head-strong, like I was? Does she like to play make-believe and dress-up, and boss around all her little friends like I imagine she would? Does she have frizzy, out-of-control curly hair that she hates having brushed, like her mama? Does she like to play in the dirt and get her hands messy? Does she enjoy being the center of attention, or is she more shy and reserved? Does she love to swing outside and belt out songs she's made up? Does she always insist on dressing herself every morning? Does she have a munchkin voice? Is she a picky eater?

I think about all the fun things "Future-Stevie" and I were going to do together and it makes me so sad. Reading books. Walking to the park. Finger-painting. Baking cookies. Watching her run through the sprinkler and play with her dolls. Dying Easter eggs. Opening presents from Santa on Christmas morning. Tucking her into bed every night. It's so strange how badly you can miss doing things you've never actually done before.

Strange how badly you can miss someone you've never actually met before.

I love you Stevie, and I love the future little girl and person you would have become. I believe with all my heart that you had a unique personality from the moment your little heart started beating; I just wish you wouldn't have died before I got a chance to know what it was like.

Love you always,

PS. Welcome ICLW bloggers! You can find the very beginning of Stevie's story here and her birth story here. Thanks for stopping by our little corner of the internet! :) Xoxo


Kristin said...

Kristin, I just found your blog through ICLW and my heart is just breaking for you. I can only imagine what you are going through because none of my losses were past the first trimester. I hope and pray your Rainbow baby isn't that far in the future.

BTW, have the docs check your pTT levels. A shortened pTT indicates faster than normal clotting time and is associated with early miscarriages but it could be applicable in your case.

Emily said...

Hey Kristin,
Jeez, I swear sometimes it's like you're reading my mind when you post stuff here. Look for my post later today (possibly if I get around to it) about my weekend watching Toy Story 3.
Great post!

the2weekwait said...

I saw Toy Story 3 this past weekend and boy, oh boy... did it make me cry! What is it about Pixar movies? Are they for kids or are they solely to make women like me blubber? Anyway, thank you for sharing this picture. I can safely say any toy would have wanted to have you as an owner at 3 years old. :) -- Jay

Anonymous said...

My heart breaks for all of us and our future-angels. :(

Angela said...

Thinking about what could have been has been the hardest thing for my husband. Right after Charlotte died he mentioned how many things he was looking forward to teaching her. Most of the time I focus on the loss of my baby, my newborn, but your post had me thinking about all the future Charlottes I won't get to know. It's sad to think about, but nice to imagine what might have been.

Leanne said...

I'll have to see that movie! Thanks for the recommendation.

That is an adorable picture of you. I so wish you would have had the chance to find out what Stevie would have been like as a 3-year-old. Oops, I typed 30-year-old at first. It would have been nice for you to see what she'd be like as a 30-year-old, too. Lol!

Miss Ruby said...

Thankyou for stopping by my blog and leaving your wonderful comment.

No words I leave here are going to be able to help ease your pain from losing your beautiful daughter. While I've experienced many losses, none could compare to yours and I'm truly sorry that your daughter was too beautiful for this earth.

I'm adding your blog to my reader because it's just too beautiful not to follow.

May tomorrow bring a little bit of sunshine into your world.

Here for ICLW
Rach @
#26 The Gal Who Wants to be Anywhere But Where She Is
#27 Miss Ruby

Julie said...

i was recently wondering about future-kenny. after my leave, i returned to school w/ 2 wks left in the year, and on the last day of school sitting through our 8th grade awards ceremony, watching so many students receiving various awards, i started to wonder - what kind of awards might kenny have earned? would he have been an athlete? would he have excelled in a particular academic subject? would his teachers have respected him for his effort or his character? we are not the only ones missing out on what our precious children would have become.

Violet1122 said...

I find myself obsessing over thoughts like these quite often. It's hard, because our babies belong to us. And yet, there are so many things we will never know about them. How can you love someone so much, and know so little about them?

Thanks for this post, you say it just like I think about it.

Maggie said...

omg, I have to go see Toy Story 3 now becuase of your plug! lol! I think if I were a better artist & had more ambition... I would totally go to Florida or CA to work for Pixar! I can't wait to see it. I wish you could have shared it with Stevie. I think she would have loved it, just like her Mommy. XO

Dana said...

I have also wondered how I can love Jacob so much even though I never met him alive outside of me. I feel like I knew him though, from his kicking pattern and where he liked to lie in my belly. He would have been laid back but interested in everything.

I bet Stevie would have been a wonderful, inquisitive little girl and I am so sorry that you are going to miss out on all the fun you would have had with her.

It isn't fair.


Patience said...

I am so sorry to hear about what you've been through. Thank you for stopping by my blog and commenting.

Dh & I are planning to go see Toy Story 3 today. :)

Jenny said...


I've been reading for quite a while, but can't remember if I've ever commented, so I guess I'll come out of the silence & say something today. I think you're amazing. I think the strength you've shown through this tragedy (because losing your baby IS a tragedy) has been incredible. No one should ever have to go through loss like this, but you've shown such strength. I am so grateful you continue to share your journey with all of us. I love that you continue to write Stevie & share your thoughts. I'm praying God will send your Rainbow baby in His perfect timing for you :)



BabyWid said...

Your story is heartbreaking and brought a tear to my eye. I can NOT imagine the sorrow and heartbreak you felt and are still feeling. I wish you and your DH all the best. Stay strong and positive and good things will come to you.

I want to see Toy Story 3 - I heard it's amazingly good!


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