Future-Stevie

Dear Stevie,
Dad and I went to see Toy Story 3 the other night. Amazing. Those people at Pixar sure know how to make a good movie. About five minutes into it, I decided that my dream job would be to help write Pixar films (I am fully aware this will never happen, but a girl can dream, right?) Seriously though, everyone should go out and see TS3. It's just brilliant. You will laugh, you will cry (a lot, make sure you bring Kleenex or you will end up having to wipe your tears and snot all over the back of your hands like I did), and I promise you will leave the theater in a much better mood than you went in with. Alright, plug over. But seriously, go see it.

Anyway, in the movie there is a little girl, about three years old, named Bonnie, who ends up being a pretty important character in the film (I don't want to give too much away!) She has a huge imagination and loves playing with all her toys, acting out everything from tea parties to alien invasions. She wears a tutu and rubber rain boots, carries around a little backpack everywhere, and is just the cutest thing ever. She reminded me so much of what I imagine you would have been like as a three-year-old.

Speaking of tutus, here is your mom as a three-year-old. Would you have looked kind of like this?

I've never been too into babies. To be completely honest, newborns really scare me. They are so fragile and floppy and whenever I hold one, I'm always terrified I'm going to break it. Plus, all they ever really do is sleep and cry (and poop). I mean really, how fun is that? I've never been a baby-person, but I love pre-schoolers. I adore them. I think age three is the funnest age ever, the age when a kids' personality really come shining through. When I think of you (which is pretty much all the time!), I usually imagine you as a three-year-old. I definitely grieve the loss of newborn Stevie, but I especially grieve the death of "Future-Stevie."

I mourn that I will never know this little girl, "Future-Stevie." Is she stubborn and head-strong, like I was? Does she like to play make-believe and dress-up, and boss around all her little friends like I imagine she would? Does she have frizzy, out-of-control curly hair that she hates having brushed, like her mama? Does she like to play in the dirt and get her hands messy? Does she enjoy being the center of attention, or is she more shy and reserved? Does she love to swing outside and belt out songs she's made up? Does she always insist on dressing herself every morning? Does she have a munchkin voice? Is she a picky eater?

I think about all the fun things "Future-Stevie" and I were going to do together and it makes me so sad. Reading books. Walking to the park. Finger-painting. Baking cookies. Watching her run through the sprinkler and play with her dolls. Dying Easter eggs. Opening presents from Santa on Christmas morning. Tucking her into bed every night. It's so strange how badly you can miss doing things you've never actually done before.

Strange how badly you can miss someone you've never actually met before.

I love you Stevie, and I love the future little girl and person you would have become. I believe with all my heart that you had a unique personality from the moment your little heart started beating; I just wish you wouldn't have died before I got a chance to know what it was like.

Love you always,
Mom

PS. Welcome ICLW bloggers! You can find the very beginning of Stevie's story here and her birth story here. Thanks for stopping by our little corner of the internet! :) Xoxo