Friday, June 4, 2010

Held

Dear Stevie,
It's no secret God and I aren't on the best of terms lately. The truth is, we haven't really been on what I'd call good terms for quite sometime. Since long before you died. Before your death, I wasn't mad at God, just apathetic to the whole "God thing" in general. I grew up in the church (my Dad is a pastor), was involved in youth group as a teenager, even went to a Christian college. I considered myself a Christian, in the sense that I believe in God and all that, but that whole "personal relationship" with him? Yeah, I've never really had one of those. I don't doubt that others do, and I've always kind of wanted one myself, but I've never felt God the way I've heard other people talk about. I've tried to. I've prayed. I've read my Bible. I've begged him to show me he's real. But nothing. Anyone who knows me knows I'm an incredibly logical person. I've always wanted to believe God is real, but without some kind of "proof," it's been hard for me to get there. I'm sure this is disapointing news to some who might read this, but it's the truth.

Anyway, this morning I think I might have "felt" what I can only assume was God, for the first time ever.

I was laying in bed, browsing my different loss forums online (like I do every morning) when I decided to click on a link someone had posted to a Youtube video; a song she found comforting after the loss of her baby. When I realized the song was by a "Contemporary Christian Artist," I almost clicked away. Not gonna lie, I've developed sort of an irrational hatred for the Contemporary Christian Music genre over the years. Plus, I just wasn't in the mood to hear what I assumed was some cheesy song about rejoicing in death, or angels, or about those who die being in a better place. But I clicked "play" anyway (which might be a miracle in and of itself!)

The song is called "Held" by Natalie Grant (who I had never heard of, but according to Wikipedia is pretty big-time in the Christian music scene). The video is below. Take a listen.



Here are some of the lyrics:

Two months is too little
They let him go
They had no sudden healing
To think that providence
Would take a child from his mother
While she prays, is appalling
Who told us we'd be rescued
What has changed and
Why should we be saved from nightmares
We're asking why this happens to us
Who have died to live, it's unfair

[Chorus]
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We'd be held

This hand is bitterness
We want to taste it and
Let the hatred numb our sorrows
The wise hand opens slowly
To lilies of the valley and tomorrow

As soon as the song started, I just started crying uncontrollably, out of nowhere. I can't really put it into words, but it just touched me. It's not even anywhere close to my style of music, but I felt like I was supposed to hear it at just that moment or something. I felt like I wasn't alone. I felt like there was someone else in the room with me. I felt like I really was being held as I cried. Not like someone was physical holding me, obviously, but I felt something. I've never really understood how to pray before; it's always felt forced and like I was talking to myself. But as this song played, for the first time in my life I had the desire to say something, out loud, to this presence in the room. Nothing profound, just "why?" "why did you take my little girl from me?"

I wish I could say I got an answer, but I didn't. But I did feel a sense of peace. It was an odd experience, and I feel a bit silly even writing all this, but I'm telling you, I felt something this morning. All this isn't to say that now God and I are on great terms and everything is all better. Not even close. But maybe this morning was enough to convince me not to let go of the little bit of faith I have left quite yet.

If you had anything to do with sending me this song this morning, thank you, Baby.

I love you so much it hurts.

Mom

7 comments:

Angel Girl said...

I cried when I read your blog this morning. In the sense of not being on good terms with God, Ive been there before... I hated and blamed him for a lot of things for the longest time... Im not going to tell you its easy to have faith in the unseen or just trust when things go morbidly wrong, but eventually you realize, its the only thing you can humanly do because Jesus is the only one who understands what you are going through, no mortal human can, and its kind of depressing trying to find a mortal human who can both understand and heal until you realize the only thing that can help and really understand and absorb and mourn with you in the exact way you do, is God.

I know maybe right now you don't want to hear that. But its the most freeing thing in the world to finally know you don't have to feel alone, you don't have to go through anything alone and that he really is right there all the time, even when you don't "feel" him or know he's there. And if you let him he will always be there. :)

(No big prayer or anything like that needed either lol, all you need is to ask him "please help me," and he will. Even if its not that second, He will, I promise you.)

Love you kristin, and You are still in my prayers <3
-Tiffany

Leanne said...

Oh Kristin, I can't tell you how happy it makes me to read about your God-experience this morning. But let me back up first...

I am so, so, SO sorry that I have not been around for the past month. I feel awful that one of the busiest times in my life had to be right when you were going through one of the lowest points in your life. I was doing so great at commenting on all of your blog posts until right before Stevie died. I'm so sorry that I haven't been around lately, but I have not forgotten you. I just didn't want you to think that I was ignoring you or something during this time in your life. Because that wasn't it at all. You HAVE been in my prayers OFTEN though. I found out about all of this through Lindsay (McCoy). I am friends with her on here and on her other blog. I found out about Stevie through her other blog. Actually she didn't use your name at first. She just mentioned the situation, and I immediately knew it had to be you. My heart dropped and I just kept saying, "Lord, no. Lord, no. Lord, no." as I went to find out if it really was you...and I was devastated to find out it was (via Facebook).

I immediately started praying with you and continued praying for you frequently all weekend long. With it being Mother's Day weekend, you were brought to my mind almost constantly, so you were in my continued prayers. And I have kept praying for you and your husband ever since. I first read that blog post that Friday evening and had to leave right after that to go home (I'm in college). On my way home, the song "Fight Another Day" by Addison Road came on the radio. After reading this blog entry, I now know that you don't like Christian music, but I knew it was a God-thing that I heard it right then as I was crying for you. I just wanted to share a couple lines of the song with you because I felt that is what God wanted me to do for you.

Here they are: "Even when your heart's been broken, He'll be there with arms wide open. Be strong and his love will lead you to fight another day!" I don't know if that helps at ALL, but I wanted to share that with you.

I hope to have the time to go back and read everything I've missed over the past month, but I don't know if I'll have time to comment on everything. I'll try to if I get the time. I just wanted to write to you now, before I get super busy again.

Now, onto this entry...I LOVE the song "Held". Natalie Grant is one of my all-time favorite artists, and this song is definitely my favorite one of her's. I actually have heard her sing it in person when I was at a teen girls retreat thing 4 or 5 years ago. She was pregnant with her twins at that time. She told the story behind this song before she sang it, and that made the song even more powerful...and just made me cry while listening to it. I'm SO glad you found this song. I actually have blogged about it before over on my blog as one of my songs of the day. I'm glad you were able to feel God's presence through this song.

I apologize for the ridiculously long comment, but I wanted you to know I haven't forgotten you, your husband, or sweet Stevie. You are all in my prayers often. My heart hurts so badly for you. I'm so incredibly sorry, Kristin. I know that doesn't make the pain any less, but I hope I know how loved you are by so many. Hugs!!

Leanne said...

Oops, I didn't proof read before submitting. I meant praying *for* you in the third section. Sorry!

Andrea said...

Kristin,

*tears* When I heard that song for the very first time I cried a river. Now, when I hear that song I still cry. I cry for me, for you and for those who've lost. So, today I skipped clicking play and read the words instead...I still cry, as that song touches me in profound ways.

Don't feel bad or apologise for what you write here, as this is your "private space" to pour our what is on your heart. Let it all out, as we do not judge you. Everyone's walk with God, their god of choice, is different and there is no right or wrong way...no time limits either. We all find our way along this journey through different means. You will feel your way through.

Hang on to that shred of FAITH with both hands, as I can relate to having little myself. However, it has been restored, over time.

Thinking of you and sending you love
Andrea

Paula said...

i love your honesty in this blog kristin. i have heard that song on the radio before and i can see how it would have an impact on you. i started listening to it on your page and when i was reading the lyrics i wanted to cry too. lets go to dinner or something soon.
love you
paula

Kalialani said...

Ahhhh I got chills reading this post! First off I absolutely LOVE that song. I put it on repeat when I'm in the shower and just sit in the tub and cry so hard.

Second off, you seem to write EVERYTHING I feel. I feel such a connection with your words because I have these feelings everyday. I've also longed for that personal relationship with God like I hear other people talk about but I've also never had that. I prayed to God OVER AND OVER when my daughter was born. I prayed that he would just let her live against all odds. We had hundreds of people praying for us, people we didn't even know and then my baby girl died. I truly thought she would live because of all the prayer. I thought by some miracle she would stay with us but that wasn't the case at all. I don't know if I blame God or what, but now I don't really pray that often. I try to be thankful for what I have but since my daughter's died I feel like I have NOTHING. Maybe that's just me seeing the negative in everything now because I know there are things I should be thankful for, but she was my WORLD when she was born (and still is) and I feel like all that was torn from my life when she died. I still have a little faith that things will get "easier" and I actually am really happy that I've "met" so many baby loss mamas like me who I can relate to that help make it "easier". Sucky circumstances but nonetheless all of you ladies have been beyond helpful with my grieving. I am so grateful for you all.

Thank you for sharing your feelings with us and don't ever feel bad for what you write. You are entitled to your own feelings.

(((HUGS)))

Thinking of you, your husband and Stevie daily

Anonymous said...

"Held" is a very monumental song for me through losing Reese and Scotlyn. Beautiful post. Kim
www.adayinthelifeofatoddler.blogspot.com

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