Held

Dear Stevie,
It's no secret God and I aren't on the best of terms lately. The truth is, we haven't really been on what I'd call good terms for quite sometime. Since long before you died. Before your death, I wasn't mad at God, just apathetic to the whole "God thing" in general. I grew up in the church (my Dad is a pastor), was involved in youth group as a teenager, even went to a Christian college. I considered myself a Christian, in the sense that I believe in God and all that, but that whole "personal relationship" with him? Yeah, I've never really had one of those. I don't doubt that others do, and I've always kind of wanted one myself, but I've never felt God the way I've heard other people talk about. I've tried to. I've prayed. I've read my Bible. I've begged him to show me he's real. But nothing. Anyone who knows me knows I'm an incredibly logical person. I've always wanted to believe God is real, but without some kind of "proof," it's been hard for me to get there. I'm sure this is disapointing news to some who might read this, but it's the truth.

Anyway, this morning I think I might have "felt" what I can only assume was God, for the first time ever.

I was laying in bed, browsing my different loss forums online (like I do every morning) when I decided to click on a link someone had posted to a Youtube video; a song she found comforting after the loss of her baby. When I realized the song was by a "Contemporary Christian Artist," I almost clicked away. Not gonna lie, I've developed sort of an irrational hatred for the Contemporary Christian Music genre over the years. Plus, I just wasn't in the mood to hear what I assumed was some cheesy song about rejoicing in death, or angels, or about those who die being in a better place. But I clicked "play" anyway (which might be a miracle in and of itself!)

The song is called "Held" by Natalie Grant (who I had never heard of, but according to Wikipedia is pretty big-time in the Christian music scene). The video is below. Take a listen.



Here are some of the lyrics:

Two months is too little
They let him go
They had no sudden healing
To think that providence
Would take a child from his mother
While she prays, is appalling
Who told us we'd be rescued
What has changed and
Why should we be saved from nightmares
We're asking why this happens to us
Who have died to live, it's unfair

[Chorus]
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We'd be held

This hand is bitterness
We want to taste it and
Let the hatred numb our sorrows
The wise hand opens slowly
To lilies of the valley and tomorrow

As soon as the song started, I just started crying uncontrollably, out of nowhere. I can't really put it into words, but it just touched me. It's not even anywhere close to my style of music, but I felt like I was supposed to hear it at just that moment or something. I felt like I wasn't alone. I felt like there was someone else in the room with me. I felt like I really was being held as I cried. Not like someone was physical holding me, obviously, but I felt something. I've never really understood how to pray before; it's always felt forced and like I was talking to myself. But as this song played, for the first time in my life I had the desire to say something, out loud, to this presence in the room. Nothing profound, just "why?" "why did you take my little girl from me?"

I wish I could say I got an answer, but I didn't. But I did feel a sense of peace. It was an odd experience, and I feel a bit silly even writing all this, but I'm telling you, I felt something this morning. All this isn't to say that now God and I are on great terms and everything is all better. Not even close. But maybe this morning was enough to convince me not to let go of the little bit of faith I have left quite yet.

If you had anything to do with sending me this song this morning, thank you, Baby.

I love you so much it hurts.

Mom