Sunday, June 13, 2010

Back to normal

Dear Stevie,
Dad and I had a nice, rainy Saturday yesterday.

I got my hair cut (a whole two inches taken off! Drastic!):

We did some "retail therapy" at Nordstrom Rack:

Went to a sushi bar with cool lighting:

Went out for some super yummy Thai food (you would have loved it--super spicy just how you like it!):

Checked out the new "zombie bar" in town (yes, it really was a zombie-themed bar and yes, it was awesome):

Walked around and took a few silly self-pics:

Sang along to old-school Randy Travis in the car ("I'm gonna love you forever, forever and ever, amen..."):

And ended the evening with a stop at the grocery store, where we stocked up on our reduced fat Cheez-itsz (they were buy one get one free!):

All and all it was a pretty fun night. It felt like things were back to the way they were before you died, before I was ever pregnant. It felt like our lives were back to normal.

And that sucks.

We were ready for big changes. We had been anticipating how our lives were going to be completely transformed when you arrived for so long. So to feel like nothing has changed, that we're back to exactly the way we were 8 months ago, feels like a kick in the gut. I should be happy that we're at a point where we can go out and enjoy ourselves a bit, but the whole time I'm thinking, "Stevie should be with us right now," or "I shouldn't be able to order a drink right now, I should still be pregnant." Having the freedom to do whatever we feel like and come home whenever we want is nice, but I was ready to stay at home with you on Saturday nights. I was ready to go to family-friendly places with "Kids Eat Free" deals rather than zombie-themed bars. I was ready to be your mom.

I don't want all this freedom I have. I want you.

I love you so much, Baby. Even when life is good, there will always be something missing--you.



Maggie said...

You said it! Still having this "freedom" feels so strange because for the past few months, you've been preparing for days with anything BUT freedom! Suddenly having that is a grim reminder of what we are missing and sucks. Thinking of you, glad you had a fun night! :)

Anonymous said...

I think we just wrote the same blog today. : ) I am 100% in sync with you right now- life in the last day or two has resembled my old life so much that it hurts. I even drank a double rum and diet coke yesterday. Sigh.. <3

Andrea said...

I sucks!

And, Randy that guy :) He sings from the heart.


Julie said...

exactly how i've been feeling lately. and i wonder if other people look at me and think, "julie seems to be back to her old self. i guess she's over it." i sort of feel like i should wear a sign that says "am ALWAYS missing my son."

Violet1122 said...

You are 100% spot on with this post! It's weird to go about, doing the things you normally did before. It seems familiar, but wrong at the same time. I'm glad you were able to do some fun things, but I know you'd trade it all in a second for Stevie. ((Big hugs))

Kelley and Chris said...

The last line of this post pretty much sums it up. Life will be good again, BUT there will ALWAYS be something missing. That's pretty much all it boils down to. And that sucks. Thinking of you...

Lara + Chris said...

You are super cute! I know what you mean about it sucking when it starts to go back to normal. It's like your baby never existed...just in your head. But we all remember Stevie for you!

And in response to your comment on my blog about AD - have you seen this?

Makes me laugh SO HARD.

Emily said...

Yeah, I don't want to be able to have that alcoholic beverage. I don't want to be able to make it through Eclipse at the end of the month without having to take a bathroom break or two (yah know cuz I'm 33 weeks pregnant). I don't want to be able to afford a brand new treadmill for hubby and me to lose our need to 'save for the baby!'. Would love to have to 'spend the night at home' because I'm breastfeeding and can't go out and have fun.

Freedom never felt so much like prison.

Leanne said...

I'm so sorry that things are back to the old "normal". My heart still aches for you and your husband. But it was good to see the two of you smiling and enjoying yourselves! I like your hair, too, and I loved that we could see your Stevie tattoo in the picture. :)

Breanna said...

I just started reading your blog about a month ago, and it wasn't until this post that I realized we live in the same state. I've totally been to Donny Dirks. Crazy small world. I'm not one to normally comment - but I've been thinking about you since I started reading and now that I know you are so close - wanted you to know I think about you and get sad for you sometimes. In fact I'm thinking right now that this completely crappy weather has to be making everything harder. Maybe in the next few days Stevie will send us the sun and I hope that makes you smile.

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