I knew it was coming, that question. I knew it as soon as I booked my haircut appointment this morning. I thought all about how I would answer it the entire drive to the salon. Five minutes into my haircut, the stylist, a sweet and bubbly girl around the same age as me with a super trendy bob cut and chunky highlights, asked me if I was married. "Yes." How long? "Three years in August." I knew what was coming next.
"So are you guys planning on having kids anytime soon?"
I froze for a moment before saying, very matter-of-factly "this is really sad, but our first was actually stillborn about 5 weeks ago."
She stopped cutting, put her hand on her heart, and looked at me in the mirror with shock and pity in her eyes. "I am so sorry, that's horrible," she said.
"Yeah, I was 26 weeks along. It looks like it was cord issue. Sorry to spring this on you, I just don't really know how else to answer that question..."
"No, I'm sorry I had to bring it up, that's just horrible."
"It's okay, you had no idea. Plus I suppose I better get used to the 'do you have kids' question sooner or later."
"Well I am really sorry. I've had a miscarriage and I know I wasn't near as far along as you were, but once you find out you're pregnant, you totally become a mom to that little baby. I'm glad you answered honestly. That was your baby, you shouldn't have to deny that."
Then she asked me your name, and whether or not we had a memorial service for you. She asked me how Dad was handling everything. I was pleasantly surprised at how wonderfully she handled it. I so appreciated that she talked about you with me. Here's this girl who I have known for a whole seven minutes and she made me feel less awkward and uncomfortable talking about what happened to you than a lot of my good friends. I am so thankful my first time dealing with the "so do you have kids" question was with someone like her. So thankful that I actually bought the $17 "Morrocan hair oil" she was peddling. I hope they get commission when they sell that crap.
Anyway, I held it together pretty well while I was at the salon, but the second I got in the car to drive home, I broke down and cried. I wish so badly my answer to the "kid" question could have been, "actually, I am 7 and a half months pregnant with our first," or "actually I just have a newborn baby girl. Her name is Stevie and she's at home with her Dad right now. She's the cutest little thing you've ever seen, hang on, I have a picture of her right here on my phone." I hate that I have to tell people you died. I hate that you died so much.
You will always be my first baby, sweet girl. Mommy promises I will never forget that, ever. I will never deny your existence, even someday when we (hopefully) have other children. The world will always know how much I love you. Always.
Missing you so much,
Makes the Missing Lighter
1 hour ago