It's off to work I go...

Dear Stevie,
I went back to work today. It was both harder and easier than I thought it was going to be. The moments leading up to walking in the front door of the building were more emotional than I expected (quite a few tears were shed), but the moments after riding the elevator up to the third floor and walking into my office were less difficult than anticipated, if that makes any sense. I'm feeling kind of drained, so I'll just make a list of the positives and negatives of my first day back.

The positives:

1. I don't work in retail, or any other customer service-type job where I have to actually interact with strangers. I work in Development for a nonprofit organization. I basically sit at my desk all day, and as long as I bring a lunch that doesn't need to be microwaved, which would require a visit to the lunch room, and peek around the corner and make sure the hallway is clear before heading to the bathroom, I can pretty easily avoid having to talk to anyone other than a handful of people in my department (who I happen to like very much). I have my fair share of retail experience (including 3 years of selling kid's shoes at Nordstrom) and I can tell you right now that I would not survive more than five minutes having to fake smile and small-talk with a bunch of people I don't know in this fragile state. So I'm thankful I have a job where I can hide out in my office and continue to basically shut myself off from the world right now.
2. Hanson's new album came out today. I realized this as I was feeling super nervous and scared about getting up and getting ready for work. I quickly downloaded the CD onto my iPhone and listened to it on full-blast while I got ready and in the car on my way to work. Who would have though the band that got me through breaking up with my middle school boyfriend when I was 12 years old would also help me get through going back to work for the first time after losing my daughter, over 12 years later? Oh Hanson, you've been good to me. :)
   
3. My boss is amazing. Not only has she been incredibly, I mean incredibly flexible with my schedule and everything, she actually cares about what I'm going through; she cares about me. I've read so many stories of women in my shoes having to deal with mean, insensitive supervisors on top of everything else and I feel so lucky that I have a boss that I would consider my friend.
   
4. It was pouring rain today. I love it when the weather matches my mood.
   
5. I got free lunch. My boss and another one of my co-workers (the one who gave me all her maternity clothes) took me out to a long lunch. It made the first day back go by really fast, which was awesome.
6. When I got home, the dogs were extra excited to see me. That made me feel good.

The negatives:

1. I had to go back to work no longer pregnant with you.
2. I had to go back to work and start working on all the projects that I was supposed to be gone on maternity leave for.
   
3. I had to go back to work without a new baby to talk about.
4. I had to go back to work knowing my first day back at work was not your first day at daycare.
5. I had to go back to work knowing you were dead.

Going back to work makes this all seem so final. Makes it seem like life is officially back to the way it was before you died. Life moves on and I know, in a way, I have to "move on" too, but it's just so, so hard to move on without you, Baby.

I love you so much. I really, really hope you know that.

Mom

June 8, 2010

"Just get out of the car and walk in those doors. You can do it, you have to do it."