Tuesday, June 8, 2010

It's off to work I go...

Dear Stevie,
I went back to work today. It was both harder and easier than I thought it was going to be. The moments leading up to walking in the front door of the building were more emotional than I expected (quite a few tears were shed), but the moments after riding the elevator up to the third floor and walking into my office were less difficult than anticipated, if that makes any sense. I'm feeling kind of drained, so I'll just make a list of the positives and negatives of my first day back.

The positives:
  1. I don't work in retail, or any other customer service-type job where I have to actually interact with strangers. I work in Development for a nonprofit organization. I basically sit at my desk all day, and as long as I bring a lunch that doesn't need to be microwaved, which would require a visit to the lunch room, and peek around the corner and make sure the hallway is clear before heading to the bathroom, I can pretty easily avoid having to talk to anyone other than a handful of people in my department (who I happen to like very much). I have my fair share of retail experience (including 3 years of selling kid's shoes at Nordstrom) and I can tell you right now that I would not survive more than five minutes having to fake smile and small-talk with a bunch of people I don't know in this fragile state. So I'm thankful I have a job where I can hide out in my office and continue to basically shut myself off from the world right now.
  2. Hanson's new album came out today. I realized this as I was feeling super nervous and scared about getting up and getting ready for work. I quickly downloaded the CD onto my iPhone and listened to it on full-blast while I got ready and in the car on my way to work. Who would have though the band that got me through breaking up with my middle school boyfriend when I was 12 years old would also help me get through going back to work for the first time after losing my daughter, over 12 years later? Oh Hanson, you've been good to me. :)
  3. My boss is amazing. Not only has she been incredibly, I mean incredibly flexible with my schedule and everything, she actually cares about what I'm going through; she cares about me. I've read so many stories of women in my shoes having to deal with mean, insensitive supervisors on top of everything else and I feel so lucky that I have a boss that I would consider my friend.
  4. It was pouring rain today. I love it when the weather matches my mood.
  5. I got free lunch. My boss and another one of my co-workers (the one who gave me all her maternity clothes) took me out to a long lunch. It made the first day back go by really fast, which was awesome.
  6. When I got home, the dogs were extra excited to see me. That made me feel good.
The negatives:
  1. I had to go back to work no longer pregnant with you.
  2. I had to go back to work and start working on all the projects that I was supposed to be gone on maternity leave for.
  3. I had to go back to work without a new baby to talk about.
  4. I had to go back to work knowing my first day back at work was not your first day at daycare.
  5. I had to go back to work knowing you were dead.
Going back to work makes this all seem so final. Makes it seem like life is officially back to the way it was before you died. Life moves on and I know, in a way, I have to "move on" too, but it's just so, so hard to move on without you, Baby.

I love you so much. I really, really hope you know that.


June 8, 2010

"Just get out of the car and walk in those doors. You can do it, you have to do it."


Andrea said...

So happy that you have a kind, compassionate boss that wants to be "good to you". She sounds like a sweet lady and how nice she took you to lunch.

Kudo's to you for making these "big" strides forward, as I know its not easy. One foot in front of the other, right?


Danae said...

I have been told that rain is the teardrops from Heaven. And as you went back to work and shed your tears, those teardrops were falling too.

I'm glad you had a descent first day back!

And I'm thinking of you on Stevie's 1 month angel-day. Hugs to you my friend!

Adis said...

I'm not sure if you can read this, but I wanted to share a poem that helped me when I had a loss too.
Stevie' story has touched me and I really hope you will soon find the peace in your heart.


****** What Makes A Mother

I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today
I asked "What makes a Mother?"
And I know I heard him say
A Mother has a baby
This we know is true
But, God, can you be a mother
When your baby's not with you?

Yes, you can he replied
With confidence in his voice
I give many women babies
When they leave it is not their choice
Some I send for a lifetime
And others for the day
And some I send to feel your womb
But there's no need to stay.

I just don't understand this God
I want my baby here

He took a breath
and cleared his throat
And then I saw a tear
I wish I could show you
What your child is doing today
If you could see your child smile
With other children and say
"We go to earth to learn our lessons
of love and life and fear
My mommy loved me so much
I got to come straight here
I feel so lucky to have a Mom who had so much love for me
I learned my lessons very quickly
My Mommy set me free.

I miss my Mommy oh so much
But I visit her each day
When she goes to sleep
On her pillow is where I lay
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
And whisper in her ear
Mommy don't be sad today
I'm your baby and I am here"

So you see my dear sweet one
Your children are okay
Your babies are here in My home
And this is where they'll stay
They'll wait for you with Me
Until your lessons are through
And on the day you come home
they'll be at the gates for you

So now you see
What makes a Mother
It's the feeling in your heart
It's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start
Though some on earth
May not realize
Until their time is done
Remember all the love you have
And know that you are
A Special Mom

Author Unknown*****

Violet1122 said...

I cannot stop thinking about this picture you took, Kristin.

It totally breaks my heart and simultaneously makes me want to jump up and cheer you on. You are so brave and strong!! I know that doesn't lessen the pain of losing Stevie, but please know I admire you so much.

Maggie said...

Going back to work was one of the hardest things I had to do. I was so paranoid about people's pity looks and just going back. Then it turned out to be not so bad. I'm glad you have a supportive boss and the day wasn't too terrible. XO

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