Yesterday I had a few chance encounters with someone I haven't seen in a very long time, someone I almost didn't recognize. I ran into my old self.
I was sitting at my desk at work and realized, "hey, I haven't thought about Stevie dying for like, a whole five minutes." Then, I noticed my old self again, a couple hours later as I thought, "wow, I'm talking to my boss about her five-year-old and not feeling super sorry for myself that my daughter will never be five years old and going to soccer practice." Later that afternoon, my old self helped me take the dogs for a walk. She tagged along as I ran into a couple new neighbors along the way, chit-chatted about the World Cup and pretended to have a clue what I was talking about. I think I saw her again that night when I was laughing and smiling along with this very strange Niel Patrick Harris musical we found on Netflix ("Dr. Horrible's Sing Along Blog." Seriously, very strange).
Each time I ran into my old self yesterday, I tried my best to push her away. It was like running into someone you never really liked from high school at the mall. You have to say hello, but you try to get out of there as soon as you can. You make an excuse like, "well, my husband is actually waiting for me down at the pretzel stand, so..." and make a run for the escalator.
Every time I see my old self coming, I want to grab her by the neck and say, "What are you doing here?? Don't you know our daughter died!? Leave me alone!" I force myself to remember that I am sad. Whenever I find myself feeling "normal," I quickly think about the fact that I should be almost 33 weeks pregnant right now. I consciously make myself feel the pain of losing you again. I don't know why I do this to myself, but I do.
I am torn between wanting to feel like my old self again, and wanting to wallow in my grief for a little while longer. I feel guilty when I am not consumed with crushing sadness. Last week I prayed and prayed to start feeling "better." Now, when I do, I hate it. The great Justin Bieber (yes, I am going to make a Justin Bieber reference here, watch out!) once said, in his classic song titled "Eenie Meenie Mini Mo Lover," "You cant make up your mind, mind, mind, mind, mind..." That is how I feel (and now I am going to have that annoying song stuck in my head all day long, awesome).
I guess I need to take some time to sit down and get reacquainted with my old self once again. Maybe if I try and get to know her again, I won't think she's all that bad. Maybe, slowly, I'll let her back into my life. Until one day, the two of us are such good friends that my "old self" and this "new me" come together as one.
Love you, little girl. Hope you're behaving yourself up there.
Not to be rude or anything, but....
4 hours ago